It is Sunday morning and time for prayer requests in a United Methodist worship service. A woman stands and asks for prayer for her son who has just been diagnosed with cancer. Nothing unusual here; it probably happens frequently in the average UM congregation.
Imagine if this same woman had stood and requested prayer for her son who had just publicly announced his homosexuality. That's not an average request, and therein lies much of our problem with homosexuality. The woman whose son has cancer would receive comfort and support, as we "bear each other's burdens" in our fellowship. What support will the family receive who has a member in the homosexual lifestyle?
What is Homosexuality?
Frank Worthen is considered the father of ministry to former homosexuals. He was a shy teenager when his pastor, a homosexual, encouraged Frank to enter the homosexual lifestyle. For a shy teenager, the gay bar scene offered the love and affirmation from older men which he had never received from his father. While the homosexual lifestyle was exhilarating at first, after 25 years as a homosexual, Frank was ready to commit suicide. In the early 1970s God intervened, and ministry to former homosexuals was born. Today, Frank has found happiness in marriage which he once thought would never be his.
From the experiences of Frank Worthen and others like him, we have learned a lot. Frank divides homosexuality into four parts. First is sexual behavior; second is the desire for a person of the same sex. Homosexual identity is the third part. Lastly, lifestyle is what he calls the clothes, parades, bars, and organizations we often associate with homosexuality. Some, such as men in prison, exhibit the behavior without the desire. Others struggle with the desire, but never "act out" the behavior. Some are closeted; others are openly in the homosexual or lesbian lifestyle. The degree to which the struggle with homosexuality becomes a central part of one's identity also varies from person to person.
The woman's son or daughter be might be a teenager struggling with questions of sexual identity who has never acted on those desires. Her son or daughter might have been in the gay or lesbian lifestyle for quite a while, just now coming out to their family. Her daughter could be a lesbian after sexual or physical abuse by men, such as a father, brother, boyfriend or husband. Another person in the church might have a spouse who is secretly acting out in a homosexual manner. Some would call this person a bisexual. Two women in the church might be living together for companionship; today's climate might cast suspicion that they are lesbians. What makes them lesbians?
As you can see, the variety of behavior, desire, identity and lifestyle makes homosexuality complex. I even wonder if we do well to use the name "homosexuality." Obviously this is not just an urban problem, but is widespread in our sexually permissive society.
What Can the Church Say?
First, families with homosexual, lesbian, and bisexual members need support from the church—lots of support. Many churches who have studied the Transforming Congregation's ministry to those in homosexual bondage have found that family members and friends are freed to share their distress with others in the congregation. Some churches have started groups for parents called, "Parents of Prodigals." This is a support group open to anyone who has a family member struggling in a hurtful lifestyle—drugs, alcohol, criminal behavior, and sexual problems.
Secondly, the church needs to make information about homosexuality available. We need to keep homosexuality in perspective. All sin separates us from God—no matter if it is homosexual or heterosexual. Many gay men and lesbians lead productive lives and contribute to society. We are all sinners; there is good and bad in all of us.
Family members need to get information. Contact Exodus International and/or Homosexuals Anonymous for information about ministry to former homosexuals. There are many good books available in Christian bookstores and by mail. Ignorance is a vital tool of the devil. Christians need to be well-informed. The media usually focuses on political issues, ignoring the pain felt by those struggling with homosexuality.
Many parents and other family members have found it helpful to volunteer in ministries to homosexuals. A number of such ministries have been started by parents whose experience has been used by the Lord for great good. Exodus International holds an annual convention which includes workshops for parents and family members. Contact Exodus International for more information.
Parents Blame Themselves
It is typical for parents and other family members to blame themselves for anything which has gone wrong with other family members. One can see the attractiveness of believing that homosexuality is just a genetic accident for which can take no responsibility. After four years of study, the United Methodist Committee to Study Homosexuality concluded, "The specific causes of homosexual orientation remain unclear, although various scientific theories about this contribute to our overall understanding." They also said, "The church cannot teach that sexual orientation is fixed before birth, nor can it teach that it is fixed only after birth. The scientific evidence is insufficient to allow a judgment either way, particularly considering the diverse types of both heterosexuality and homosexuality."
Many former homosexuals report that their failure to bond with the parent of the same sex has been decisive. Sometimes this failure has been due to causes beyond a parent's control, such as military service or economic conditions which force a father to take a job elsewhere. Some children seem to be more sensitive and are more deeply affected by this separation. Two children in the same family often react differently to the same situation.
Frequently, sexual abuse is involved. The alcoholism of a parent can also be a factor. Where the parent's behavior has been sinful, the forgiveness of Christ and the transformation of the Holy Spirit needs to be sought in our lives. Peter wrote to new converts saying, "Be obedient to God, and do not allow your lives to be shaped by those desires you had when you were still ignorant" (I Peter 1:14). Parents who sought the best for their children have frequently hurt them in ignorance. We can be forgiven for our mistakes as well as our willful sins.
Reaching Those in the Lifestyle
A major concern of any family member will be, "How do I reach those who are practicing homosexuality?" The first concern for all of us is to be healed ourselves. Many churches are offering twelve-step groups for Christians. The church needs to do a much better job of teaching the biblical view of sexuality. We cannot encourage anyone to seek healing when we are not seeking healing for ourselves.
The church is at fault for handling sexuality so poorly. We have too often been silent and failed to offer families guidance in an area which is part of the image of God in each of us, male and female. Our sexuality was created by God to be good, but has been distorted by the Fall.
Parents and family members need to keep the relationship open with their homosexual or lesbian relative. There may come a time when a crisis opens them to hearing God's word. If the relationship is open, the groundwork will have been laid to share God's healing love. Don't try to match up a homosexual with someone of the opposite sex. This approach rarely heals the homosexual, since most homosexuals need to first establish non-sexual intimate relationships with the same sex.
Mailing literature from ministries to former homosexuals rarely works. In fact, Exodus International has a policy of mailing material only to those requesting it, not to others. Some persons have left books or literature around the house before a visit. Often this has begun good conversation when it has not been forced on a homosexual son or lesbian daughter. Certainly literature which condemns homosexuality in an angry manner will not be helpful.
One does not need to approve of everything your homosexual son or lesbian daughter might be doing. Affirm what you can. Stress their good qualities. Let them know how you feel without being judgmental. Concentrate on God's grace, not on judgment. Most homosexuals already feel bad about themselves not need to condemn them; many of them have already condemned themselves. The news that God loves homosexuals is often hard for them fathom.
Parents and family members will have to deal with some difficult questions. Will you allow your child's partner to come to your home? Will you allow them to spend the night? This will be no different than a child who is living with someone of the opposite sex without marriage. Remember that God loves the other person as well as your child. Try, to the best of your ability, to express God's love to them also. Loving the sinner while hating the sin is easier said than done.
Many difficulties come about if the homosexual family member is an ex-spouse and children are involved. Explanations to children, visitations, and divorce settlements will be more complicated than usual. And be aware that many homosexuals will try to shock you, unconsciously seeking a negative and angry reaction. Such a reaction confirms their view that everyone hates them. Try to respond as best you can in Christian love. Obviously, with all these challenges, support groups for parents and family members are vital.
Finally, rest assured that God heals homosexuality. Even the passage in I Corinthians 6:9-11 which is often used to condemn homosexuals ends with "that is what some of you were." Paul does not make an exception for the former homosexuals in the Corinthian church; all can be "justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (v. 11). The many former homosexuals in our midst can share the same testimony of God's love and grace for the sinner. We need to create a climate of openness which allows their encouraging message to become living letters of God's grace.
The father in Jesus' parable of the prodigal son has a most difficult position as he waits for his son to come home. We can search for lost sheep and lost coins, but people must come home on their own. We need to ask God for patience.
When homosexual persons do come home, the church should give them welcome. Let our ministry in the United Methodist Church be that of the loving father, never the condemning elder brother.
Robert L. Kuyper is the National Coordinator of Transforming Congregations.
This article was published in Good News magazine (September/October 1993).
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